Lonely
Lonely. That’s really kind of grim for the first post isn’t it? I agree too. It took me awhile to change my own perspective and that’s what I intend to do here anyway. If you feel like you’re in a good place in your life and have it all figured it out, stop reading and close this tab. I’m still exploring and so my thoughts might not be for everyone out there. Lonely. The word itself is associated with sadness. The state of being without some form of attachment to any one thing or person. It even sounds depressing when you say it out loud.
Why do I feel lonely? I’ve never really fit in from a very young age. I was the only Indian boy in class. I was the only vegetarian in class. I was the only queer in class (that I know of). These were not experiences exclusively only in my teens, it also continued onto various stages of my life. So in those formative teen years that sort of define the rest of your life, I felt lonely. Most of the time I tried to fit myself into a group, very unsuccessfully, and that sort of became the theme of my life. I was someone trying desperately to fit in, not realizing that I was unique in my own way.
The journey of self discovery happened in my early 20s and that too was filled with self doubt and insecurities. While the rest of the world around me was finding their footing in what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be, what life they wanted for themselves, I was rather always lost. I couldn’t attach myself to a culture or common thought process or any form of conventional way of life (no offense). Riding Solo is exactly what it is. It’s an insight of how I’ve looked at life before me. How I’ve navigated the world around me, Alone.
Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. I found this out to be true after my own little research and reflecting on my past experiences. They can be associated with one another but mostly they are two very separate states. Let me explain further by deep diving in to feeling lonely.
You can feel lonely in a crowded place, even amongst friends and family. This feeling can also be omnipresent wherever you are or whoever you’re with. There is a great sense of abandonment or being left behind that is coupled with this feeling at times. You might be socially awkward or just can’t connect with anyone beyond a platonic level. You can just come to terms with it and say it out loud: you’re not a social person. You’re shy and take some time to warm up. And in some instances it takes more time to be comfortable because the environment is unfamiliar. So instead of being part of the social activity, you’re on the outside looking in. I used to be this person, sometimes I still am. In a big dinner table filled with people, I’ll be the quiet one eating, drinking and listening. And this is not a bad thing really. Because this became the foundation for my training in listening skills. I’m a really good listener now because I kept my mouth shut all those years. You can blather on and on for a good one hour and I would be able to empathize with whatever it is you’re going on about and still provide some advice should you need it. A powerful tool to have in your arsenal, especially when meeting someone new. This introverted personality is not any fault of your own. Why are some people the Suns and Stars of the universe and the rest of us are just the floating pieces of rock in their gravitational orbit? There’s nothing to be ashamed of, or a need to feel insignificant about. It’s to do with your upbringing, your values and principles. We are who we are because of how we were shaped in our past.
With that being said, we humans come in all forms and sizes and various parts of the hemisphere. We are all different and unique in our own way but some of us just stand out and some of us tend to fade away. There is a long list of variables that attribute to who you are but I shall not get into that. Find yourself going against the grain most of the time? Do you have a different ideology? How about the way you do most things? Is different from the norm? Do you dress in a unique way that is purposefully but not intentionally different from the people around you? If you had answered yes to the above, you obviously were born to stand out. Depending on where you are, uniqueness can be regarded as dangerous. It’s 2021 and norms are being challenged on a daily basis. But when I was growing up, and in some parts of the world even now, being different means sticking out like a sore thumb. You can feel this immediate repelling force from your friends, co-workers or even a complete stranger who has given you a look that says otherwise. You are made to feel like you don’t fit the bill or bond well with others because you are different. You sometimes feel like you are being secluded on purpose for the most miniscule things about you. It can be even because of the color of your skin or the texture of your hair. Being unique, creates the illusion that you might be different in a wrong way or that you need to try harder to fit in with your circle. When you start comparing yourself to others and the result isn’t good enough or socially accepted, you harbor feelings of isolation and detachment. So then, you go about evaluating your self-worth. You’re not one of them, so who are you? If you are unable to foster your identity in a positive manner and not get support for it, you’ll end up being lonely and self deprecating.
I personally have felt this. It was the way I walked if you can believe it. I tend to have a little sashay when I walk. I blame this on watching too many Miss World & Universe pageants when I was young I guess. They were all so confident in their bikinis and evening gowns. And they all wanted world peace. What’s there not to like about them? At 14, I was told to walk properly and I was like what? There was a right way to walk? It’s just one foot after the other no? That isn’t hard. But it was my style of walking that was bothering some peers. And at that age, if they don’t understand it, they point it out, they ridicule you, because it was different. I wasn’t bullied but I was teased and that was the first time, I realized my mannerisms were a little different from other guys my age. There were sad days, yes from being teased. But I found my footing slowly as I grew older. My way of speaking and walking and taste in music would be appreciated later in the years by different people who embraced originality and uniqueness. I was able to build confidence with my uniqueness and a thick armor to protect against the naysayers.
But people who don’t recover from such trauma go into depression because they are unable to handle the pressure to fit in. Self-esteem isn’t something you build overnight. You’re a bag of water with holes. You can try and plug up as many holes as you like, but you’re still seeping out somewhere. Your confidence level in a public setting slowly degrades. Some days you can’t find the strength to leave house, let alone your bed. That’s something you will work on your entire life trying to build back up. That whole idea of how can you love yourself, if others don’t like you starts to eat away at you. There is a supposed art in finding your inner Big Dick Energy and balancing it with your inner wallflower. I’m still figuring that out and I’m 34!
Lonely in big spaces and unfamiliar waters. Check
Lonely because you’re different. Check
What’s next you ask? Attachments. Sometimes you’re lonely, it’s usually because you miss someone. That constant attention that you get is no longer there anymore, thus creating a void. This void is mostly associated with longing. You suddenly have this pocket of time and space not filled up by someone adoring you or checking up on you or just physically being present. This can be quite unnerving, especially for someone who yearns for acknowledgement or is just used to it all their life. #instafam. You’re a boat without an anchor, drifting away. This anchor can be any loved one, a pet or even a place. Ever travel to a great place for a holiday that vibes well to your personality and come back home only to feel lonely? You’re not the only one. I feel like I belong at the beach. My soul needs to be one with the ocean. I blame it on my visit to Greece where I fell in love with the Mediterranean waters. But that’s the illusion of a good holiday. Loneliness is also constantly tied to death. That person or pet you poured your love and attention to is no longer there. The deep sense of familiarity is gone and so is the love bestowed by the person. You can also feel lonely when you have just newly uprooted your life. When you move somewhere new, you have to re-start your life again. You have to find new friends, a new favorite restaurant, etc. That new world awaits, but you have to face it by yourself. All these forms of involvements (a piece of knowledge I picked up from Sadguru) have tendencies to create these immensely strong bonds within our lives. Naturally, when an important variable in your life equation is removed, the math doesn’t add up and a clear answer isn’t present anymore. Thus, Chaos. I know, that’s a tad bit dramatic. Whether you’re able to find someone who is able to empathize or not, you’re grieving that loss by yourself. Some people can’t make sense of their futures if one of those variables is gone.
Which brings me to Mr. Lonely’s best friends, the inner Demons. These demons tend to surface at the precipice of disappointments. Biting off more than you can chew? Not being able to handle what life is throwing at you? Always think of yourself as talentless and have nothing to offer? This particular spectrum of self hate is huge. Anywhere from addiction to just mere stress at the workplace can cause you to feel lonely. You see someone else gliding through life on skates with the biggest smile on their face and here you are, still at the base camp of Everest, looking up and thinking “why should I even bother”. These inner saboteurs have one job. Create self doubt and leave the room. They leave the room so you can fill it up. This is where you bottle it all up and shove it down into that room. The inability to deal with shortcomings and habitually pushing it aside suddenly becomes second nature. You put on this act of everything is fine, but the world is in shambles beneath your feet. You not only push aside your feelings but also the people around you. You feel this immense pressure and you don’t want to burden anyone with your troubles and you decide to suffer in silence. This is where loneliness becomes a punishment of sorts. You’re an island and you’re burning all the bridges. Soon enough the ambers catch onto you and you’re engulfed in your own flames. Once you’ve reached this stage of being completely consumed, it’s hard for others to put out the flames and calm you down. They will end up getting burnt in the process.
If you’re reading up until this point, take it as a public service announcement. If you feel any of the above, especially the last point about depression, do yourself a favor and talk to someone who will listen. Finding someone who is willing to listen and has empathetic feedback to give is crucial. I was blessed to have found an entire social circle that does this. If you’re a young person reading this, find an approachable teacher you’re comfortable with. If not, an elder relative who you’re friendly with. Someone at your own age might not give you appropriate advice. They are probably going through the same things you are. If you’re an adult, confide in your friends, relatives or work colleagues. At both instances, I didn’t mention immediate family. If you have a good rapport with your own family, by all means. But I find getting an outsider’s perspective is a little more refreshing. A new angle to approach what you’re going through. And it’s not always about advice, it’s for you to speak it out, word it out, express it so you can bounce off how you’re feeling with someone and process it.
Are you getting a clearer picture of being lonely? I’m drawing from experiences that I’ve had and my friends and family have had. You might not be able to particularly relate to every experience but I think you’d be able to appreciate the general view.
Being alone, is a choice. For example, I like travelling alone. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely. It’s a choice I made, so I don’t don’t have to accommodate someone else during my travels. I do my own things at my leisurely pace. Not having to care about the dietary, travel, and emotional requirements is a burden off my shoulders. It’s all about my likes and dislikes and my decisions. I have full power of attorney over my time. Which is the major gist of being alone and enjoying it.
Let’s talk about this word, Control. If you’re in a relationship to a person or even a pet, you’re making compromises in your life. Period. This is not a bad thing at all. Sometimes it’s even good that you don’t get to make all the decisions all the time. It does get daunting. Full complete uninterrupted unadulterated control. You make micro to macro decisions from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep. There is no consultation, no negotiation, no obligation. You do as you please. Within the limitations of your environment of course.
Choices. Endless choices.
However, there is a stigma with people who like being alone. That they are lonely or choose to be as such. The two are always associated together. People often make the assumption that by being alone, one is not living their fullest life. Basically seems like a handicap of sorts that they can’t get over and are better off being alone or are succumbed to being alone. I’m not saying that this isn’t 100% true. In some cases they are but we have to broaden our perspective of what Alone is. In the next few essays, I’ll continue explaining and exploring how being Alone isn’t necessarily something unfortunate. I’ll try and present the joy that one can feel from being Alone.
P.S.
Being the most advanced & dominant species we get to decide how we live. Some succumb to the environment around them and truly believe this is how they should live their lives without exploring any other means. And some find their own path. I feel I belong to the latter. When you are the minority in every sense and in every group that you have faced all your life, you can’t help but feel lonely. This feeling has brought me on a path of self discovery I never expected. I’m asking you to take a leap of faith and come with me on my journey. Let’s find the YOU without all this static.
-T
