The Chemical Imbalance Proclamation
Restoration becomes a requirement for a temple after a few decades. All that smoke, all those people coming and going, the sun exposure, the rain washing away the glow, takes a toll on the facade. You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit that you received from God. - Corinthians 6:19. I remember hearing the phrase about body and temple and I’ve just found out that it came from scripture. How conscious are we to know that our vessel is a gift that we use, we abuse, we indulge and we revere. There’s so much wonder, strength and tenacity from every fibre of our being and yet we know so little about it. Instead of trigonometry and logarithms, I wish I paid more attention in Biology. In fact should it not have been compulsory for all of us to learn it? Why was it an elective? Why did I have to learn about basic skin care from YouTube videos? Why did we not put more importance in the Shape and Colour of our POOP? Should we not all have studied Medicine 101? Heck, let’s make our kids do gardening 101.
Tend to your plants. Check their leaves. Are the roots outgrowing the pot? What is the remedy for yellowing leaves? I kid you not. I paid more attention to myself because I took care of my plants. When they got fussy, I brought them more sunlight, or watered them more frequently or gave them some boosters to help them be more comfortable. Unconsciously, I was learning that I wasn’t putting in the same effort to keep my own self alive. While they were starting to thrive, I asked my ageing self, why did importance in their growth and not in mine. When I got plants, I doom scrolled and binge watched every gardening videos you can imagine and read conflicting articles or care techniques and had many conversations with friends who were on the same boat and learned from shared experiences. I’m far from being the subject matter expert on plants, I assure you, but I know enough to know what works for my green babies.
I circle back to restoration because I’ve started on the journey of conservation earlier this year when I threw my back out (L5 protrusion). I was searching quotes about youth and blindness and came across this Margret Atwood zinger: When you’re young, you think everything you do is disposable. I can’t help but feel angry to be honest. The knowledge of self care pulled right out under us. Or perhaps it’s a uniquely Singaporean experience of having accessibility. The doctor, dentist, pharmacy, drugstore are just around the corner, in the neighbourhood. Or is it a habit of laziness we have inculcated to even care for ourselves when our insurance premiums do a better job of it. I come from a perspective where the strength of my youth is weaning off. The privileges of my youth are being pushed into the shawdows as the new youth come into the light. Now I need to keep up. Slow the roll. Still be relevant. Part of my conservation journey made me look into nutrition. I feel like I’m eating better than before, but my hair was thinning, my energy was draining easily, my skin had weird rashes etc etc. What was missing? The consistent intake of Vitamins. My body was the laboratory and I started putting things in it and on it. It took a while before I found what was right for me. I’m still figuring it out. The test results were evaluations of pee colours, poop viscosities, skin dexterities, hair textures, weight fluctuations, sleep patterns and fluid intakes. Honestly who has time to focus on this when the Bene Gesserit are on HBOmax. Perhaps by placing more attention to ourselves we might be considered as being vain, shallow or growing our ego. At first, making a conscious effort was exhausting. I was forcing myself to do things I never use to. There were days I would slip up. But I have somehow managed to train the voice inside my head to tell me to go for the long walks that would clock in the steps or take my vitamins or eat better cause you had a shit meal the night before. I find myself putting in effort like I have never before. Having a skin care regime was not new to me, but to be consistent about it was fresh take I admit. There are days where I step out of the shower and refuse to place a drop of moisturizer on me, anywhere - I know cardinal sin. But I need those slip ups so I can remind myself the next day that I need to give myself that push. Consistency is a lesson here I’m learning about. 2025, I want to take advantage of being consistent. May the strength and persistence of being a balanced being prevail over those goddamn Bene Gesserit.
-T
PRIDE and other observations
If there ever were a correlation of amount of freedom and city cleanliness, I would put stock into this study. Also there are variables that needed to be vectored in the study - Cultural History/ Population/ Demographic/ City infrastructure (a few that I can think of)
Fun Fact, I’m writing this post on while being seated in Qatar Business Class on the Boeing 787. Seats are so so, Amenities are amazing - Diptyque & The White Company, Stewardess Julia from Romania, an absolute Delight. Not that I have a ton of wealth that I’m flaunting but my recent IG stories may seem like it. I post a somewhat expensive lifestyle during a recent Edinburg-London-Zurich-Dublin trip. Trust me it cost me a lot. The 5 years ago me, would never spend this amount of money on lavish trips. But post Covid me realised that life is much shorter that what I expected and if I have the ability to live and spend in comfort, why not now? When I’m an old man, I don’t want to travel, I’d be sick of other humans by then. I’d be a plant dad and tend to my garden and get grumpy at local news. I think it’s a wonderful way to treat yourself when you can. My late father used to say “What’s the point of having so much money? You going to bring it to your grave?” Be frugal, yes, but all also don’t keep pushing moments that you can have now away for a later date. Enjoy swimming in the fountain of youth.
Back to my important study of Cities and Pride. What on earth are you going on about Thayalan? Dublin. It’s like seeing London in the 90s, but dirtier. The educated people are nice enough and when you look straight men in the eye, they give you a nod either meaning I’m not a threat to you or you’re alright. There is a fair share of Drug usage and all the pitfalls that come along with that - homelessness/ disregard for hygiene and cleanliness / vandalism. But there’s also avenues of self expression on a daily basis. You get to be who you want to be 24/7. I’ve never seen so many lesbians and trans people in my entire life, in one location. I found it thrilling to be exposed to such a spectrum of so many kinds of sexualities/ people. If I had to add a variable of truth to the study, it doesn’t really matter what you are but what matters there, is that you’re given a choice to be who you want to be. Although Ireland has a common history of emmigrants, oppression and freedom - as much as other countries, their take away bound with their cultural history seems to be that of acceptance rather than tolerance. Their Irish Blessings didn’t seem to belong to any religious denominations (in my perspective). There is an openness, casual nature and forthcoming spirit I noticed in the few days I city hopped. Growing up, I was somewhat closeted (I hate using that term) , somewhat shy and reluctant and generally always never making the first move.
Cut to:
I was at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, an absolute immersive experience. If you’re ever there, you should visit. I was travelling alone and opted to join in to pour my own beer from the tap and as we were doing it in small groups I joined and American family of 4. Mother and Father in their 60s and what I gather, their daughter and son in law (I good at profiling, cute guy!) The mother was of Southern Dissent but not Deep South. Probably closer to the East Coast as her Daughter mentioned New York in their introductions. When I mentioned Singapore, during my introduction, their eyes lit up a little. We went about pouring our perfect pints of beer and sat down to enjoy them. I sat alone and they as a family sat together at another table. The older Blonde woman, charming, very well put together, then turns to me, notices me sitting by myself and says “Would you like to join us?” I don’t know her and haven’t been formally introduced. Was she being friendly? Was it white savior complex? No, there was a genuine caring whisper in her question to call to me. I being shy, declined her offer and declined. The entire time while I was gulping down my Guinness, I couldn’t stop thinking about why I declined. I could have probably had some nice banter but I’ll never know. I secretly wanted to be her - this white blonde older woman with grace and charm. But I was and probably still am that shy 14 year old Indian boy living secret to secret, a crab, changing from one shell to another. I would meet her again at the sky bar at the rooftop and exchange niceties and I wished her well. A gloomy day in Dublin it may have been, but a blonde-shine peaked through the clouds and gave me warmth. This is a reminder to channel my inner blonde woman. After all, they do seem to have so much fun.
Cut Back:
Singapore- well manicured, rules, no drugs, (we have to be reminded to be courteous), clean, obedient, appearance of culture, ignorance of socio economic plights, over emphasis on stability and harmony. There is this notion of how the environment around you shapes you. And I could not help but wonder what the London or Zurich or Dublin version of me would have been. Would I have been more out loud and proud? Or be one of those gym gays pumping iron, 2 hours a day, 5 times a week (yes I did the math - that’s the upkeep quota - I’m guessing there’s a backroom somewhere in the gym where the gays go to sign a special contact and take a blood oath) They are committed to being the height of human excellence which I secretly admire but I know in my heart or hearts I not that aspirational. Singapore is also tiny. Simply there aren’t enough places for you to go to escape your routine which can be a bummer. Perhaps this confinement has some correlation with repression in general. Everyone is walking around egg shells it seems. Guinness World Records needs to look into this but, I think we - Singaporeans may be the quickest at expressing our negative feedback about any matter. It’s second nature almost. Hence Pride or any deviation will always be fraught with a wave of options before it’s allowed to stand and take its place.
Pride in essence is not about showing off at all. I see it more of an SOS signal for those in need of it. It’s a beacon/shepard calling out to gather in a safe space and express yourself through parties, music, fun activities. You get to unabashedly be what you are and meet like minded individuals. You given the opportunity to celebrate your life on this planet and be thankful for the community that loves you back. There is no agenda of malice or trying to in-still a certain way of life. This planet is big enough to have many spaces of expression and if we start seeing it that way, perhaps there is a chance another 14 year old boy wouldn’t have to be that shy after all.
-T
Zurich
April 2022, a month after Defcon Orange or yellow or some shit like that where we could travel again.
The start of the journey wasn’t as smooth as I had hoped for. Aircraft power tripped. The already dry cabin was getting warmer by the minute. The captain kept giving updates with too many technicalities that most of us wouldn’t understand. It was somewhere in the middle of informative and confusing enough that the passengers would believe that they are working on a solution.
In Economy class, one has to position one’s body to find that G spot of comfort. It really isn’t a pleasant experience being strapped into an airplane seat for 13 hours. But I had to do this. It was my first time travelling after two and a half years being taken away from me. From us. I know, it’s petty of me to write about these silly things when people lost a lot more during the pandemic. Let’s take a beat and give ourselves permission to feel someway about something that upsets us. It’s fine to be upset when expectations aren’t met. Some people go full Karen, but I chose to weave it into a mandala of life lessons. In my twenties, I was all about trying to find enlightenment and reaching an altitude of “ain’t no shit gonna bother me”. But now, I say bring on the drama. Daddy needs you colour of out the lines and get messy. Chaos: That’s the true beauty of a human life.
So I did get an entire row for myself. Yes & Blessed. Shortly after take off, midway to heaven, angels fresh as daisies waltz into the cabin. That Singapore Girl Smile. That isn’t just a smile. It has superpowers. It melts away the hours of you getting ready, hauling your luggage over to the airport, and waiting in line at security. Their kindness tell you, they know what you went through to get here, so here’s that extra pillow and blanket you asked for; here’s your 7th gin and tonic; here’s another bag of chips. The call bells in the cabin twinkle like Christmas lights and we see them whizz pass and solve a problem or satisfy a need. The grace they carry is genuine and wholesome. It’s programmed and branded in their DNA. Trust me, I know this.
So here I am amidst the brisk chill of April in Glorious Zurich. I was lucky enough to have had a friend who lived here and got even luckier that he opened his couch for me to crash for a couple of days. Zurich felt like Singapore’s elder brother. Basically, he has all the good genes, the effortless bouncy hair and a winning personality. While you, ergo Singapore are just trying. And very Desperately. There’s enough rough edges about Zurich to make it liveable and make one not feel like an imposter in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. My friend’s apartment was a short stroll from the Lake. Again how lucky was I. I recently did a Bukit Timah Railway Corridor walk and kept annoying the people around me, asking them, where’s the lake? This place is urgently missing a Lake. The vastness and stillness of a large body of water reminds you that you’re small and insignificant. It’s a blessing to feel vulnerable. We, the superior beings of the planet brought down to our knees by a Cellular Sized Virus. Ahhchoom!
On some mornings and evenings, I ran along the lake. The air was thin and I did have difficulty keeping pace at 14 degrees celcius. But I loved every moment of it. The sky light would change ever so slightly and it felt like a painting coming to life. There were many piers scattered across strategically and I would go up to the edge and sit and watch. The gulls, the swans, small boats and planes at the far distance. It reminded me of a trip to Mykonos a couple years back, before the pandemic. Our hotel room perched on a hilltop looked over the mediterranean and on the few evenings we were there, we would just sit on the porch and watch the sunset. Sit, Bask, Breathe. Singapore does have sunsets believe you me. They are just blocked by blocks and blocks and more blocks.
People often ask me, you’ve travelled so much, which is your favourite place? And after all these years I kept the same answer. It’s never really about the place, it’s about the people you make your memories with. And I was lucky enough to have friends in Taiwan, Los Angeles and Zurich where I got to enjoy their company and catch up on silly things and see the growth we all have achieved.
I prefer open spaces to crowded cities. Not that I dislike humans. I do sometimes. But when you have too much of something, it just doesn’t work. Example: A club with great music but doesn’t have a pax limit and everyone is squished and you’re wearing the wrong shoes is a combination for the worst time period. On a recent Penang trip, a friend and I found ourselves to be the only ones in an Indian Club that had really fantastic music and we had a blast, just the two of us.
Back to Zurich. I truly was broken as a person when I went there. The new normal pretty much feels like the old normal with one major exception. We now have the knowledge of what life is like with a pause break. We allowed ourselves to explore parts of us we never knew existed. Why? Time. We were given time to just be. Like the trees, and the animals and birds. How blissful it was to be a creature of nature and not a functioning cognitive human apart of a societal structure. Not many have this opportunity to tune out. There are many involvements in their life that disallow them the time to break apart. So run away when you get the chance. Call your friends and family over when you need to spice it up. One thing I’ve learnt of my many years of a couch potato, the more force something, the more you’re reluctant to come to terms with. Leave it up to pace. The universe is constantly moving for you so you have to jump on and off at the right spots. Zurich was that for me. Not just a place, but a moment of exploration and introspection of my human life. The human life has many Primes. I think I’m at the end of my sexual prime. I’m entering my Happiness/Energetic Prime. I’ve a got a couple of years more till my physical prime wears out. Then I’ll wonder once again.
This post was a continuation of “You needed to be held.” Oh, to be seen, what a delight indeed. I left his apartment realising what he did to me. Without me knowing and in retrospect, I had been Kintsugi-ed. {the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum}
-T
Just be/ Baby Steps
Every so often, I get little reminders of how much of a blimp I am in this vast universe. The relationships I’ve built might be gone in miliseconds when life altering decisions are made. I wish we collective knew more about Mozart or Piccaso or any of the greats as people rather than just their works. What if Gandhi was a major womanizer? Would it matter? We choose certain icons and potray them in the best possible way so others may be inspired and lead lives to form great achievements of their own. We inflate our existence to a platuea of accomplishments at various stages of our lives. We talk about legacy, we talk about leaving something for the next generation. I too have this sudden urge to leave something behind. To have my existence matter in a real way that stories or rumours might be shared about me. I have a few things cooking in books but time and effort will tell if I’m brave enough to embark on them. But being a good person is easy. Saying helpful things is easy. Encouraging people is easy. To me anyways. And if, I’m able to change someone’s day in the smallest way possible is that not a life well lived? Is it not all the legacy I need be leave behind?
I think it was a tik tok or insta story that refreshed my mind about Just Being. This Native American girl was talking about how her ancestors taught them to just be, like the trees around them, like the birds and animals that walk the earth. You come into this world, expand, inhale, exhale and expire. Just enjoy it. Treasure the relationships. Be nice and move on. It easy to err, to frustrate, to slump into darkness. But constant reminders that we’re a blink prove time and time again that those wasteful emotions never fuel you. We’re naturally drawn to the light in our lives. Having plants actually taught me this. Like I actually learned life lessons from my plants. They change the way they are because of the amount of sunlight they get. The ones in the shade grow slower and are less perkier, but they are just showing attitude by leaning more towards the light. Pestering me to move them every now and then. The ones that get that 9-11am light flash their leaves and grow fiercely, unabashedly. My holy basil constantly reminds me how thirsty she is and life’s importance to sustenance.
Greatness may be measured in the history books and echoed throughout the world, but no one is putting a knife to your throat and demanding you to be the bestest you on a daily basis. So relieve that pressure you feel. Remove yourself from the Maze.
-
Mentally I feel like I’m in my twenties still. But a Xiaomi weighing scale called out my body age, 41. Bitch! And it’s starting to feel like it too cause I’ve allowed it. I realised that the lack of consistency has taken a toll on my body. My immune system is at an all time low. My core is weak. My hair is THINNING! As much as I want to reverse these processes and feel invincible. I have learnt yet another life lesson from my god damn plants. (Maybe in the next few posts I’ll take some pictures of my plants and bother you with them hehe)
New leaves grow and old leaves will wilt and die. They all serve the higher purpose. Sustainability. Certain parts of your body do this too. What remains as constant? A balance of nutrition and activity. The Human body requires mobility and affection from nature. I’ve been unwell in and out since December and hence it has inspired me not to post anything for a minute. My bad. But I shouldn’t let this get in the way of expressing myself and will try and maintain a breath of consistency from here on out. Baby steps and Back to Square ones have always been my Schtick, so why not lean onto it more and hope for new leaves to sprout? The new leaves are never the same as the old ones and have some variation. I too must aim to vary and randomise. But I’m glad to have open up some chakras that I thought were forever closed. Here’s 2024 me, Passively Progressive.
-T
Caloric Deficit
When I started writing this two years ago, I was 2 kilos shy of reaching my ideal weight for my height. Now, I’m 2 kilos overweight. I used to be this person who didn’t like what he saw in the mirror from head to toe; my hair was too curly; the oil on my face made me look like the orang minyak; big facial pores; you had weak shoulders bro; arms were skinny; belly was protruding; love handles were too thick; where did this back hair come from?; skinny calves; dry skin etc. There were hardly any compliments, just complaints. How did I turn this dissatisfaction into self love and care? I had to go through self-deprecation hell and back.
As an Indian man, in his 30s, I carry it all in my belly. Whatever I ate, it all just went there. I really wish the fat was distributed evenly. Gosh, I really do. I have this love hate relationship with my gut. I call it the 3 Ps. I named one love handle Prata, the other Pasta and the Midsection Pizza. The first thing that struck me being odd was having lower back pains. It was as though my core couldn’t handle the extra kilos that came from nowhere. Not nowhere, the 3 Ps had something to do with it I guess. I got hungry a lot and carbs were there for me every step of the way. Lots of white bread and white rice. I ate when I was happy and I ate when I was sad. I drank sweet fizzy drinks to cool off and lots of it. I ate 11 am in the morning, I ate 3 am at night. I was never really eating healthy healthy...
My body changed to 67 kilos with a 34 inch waistline in a span of 4 years, but my mind didn’t. My mind was still stuck in 52 kilo young slim Indian twink with a 28 inch waistline. Reality hadn’t sunk in, or I didn’t allow it to. So when it finally did, I was trying hard to understand why I didn’t like what I was looking at the mirror. Then it hit me. One reason was that I didn’t interact with guys like me; with the same body image. The guys I knew, were trim and fit to a certain extent. They all had broad shoulders which gave them that pleasant V shape. I was never the guy who was very much into sports. All the guys I knew in my life had some form of fitness element attached to them. And in sports and fitness, there was always the element of, trim here and bulk up there. I have never seen a pot bellied man run the olympics 100m. Nor have I seen him in tennis or any other sport that I can remember. Maybe Curling. Oh I love everything about curling. How on earth did they make that into an olympic sport?! It’s insane!
I guess my vision of the world was seeing men my age, who were always fit and there was never a moment of you’re just fine the way you are. If I grew up in India perhaps, where the normal version of a man is dad bod man, I might not have grown up with insecurities.
Next we do this thing, when we see each other and I’m guilty of it too. “Oh my god, you lost so much weight.” or “Oh I see someone has been indulging themselves” Why do we do that to each other? Why is gaining a little extra weight so frowned upon? Why is weight even a topic of conversation? By the way, many have said, I looked good with the extra weight, I used to be quite boney and now I’m fleshy. Thanks for the confidence boost guys.
Again, it was about changing the inner voice conversation. It took me a while to calibrate how I saw myself and how I saw others. Passing comments will just have to be that. And I consciously try not to talk about weight. I’ll just say “You look good!”
Are you health conscious? Naturally gaining this rapid extra weight made me more concerned about my health. I became obsessed with what you put in your mouth and how much your body can handle what you throw at it and what comes out in the toilet bowl. The highlight of my day was about getting medium brown banana shaped shits. That became the achievement of the day. Clear urine meant that my body had sufficient fluids. Anything less, I would think back about the 2 meals before. I had to examine, why did what I eat not give me a perfect shit. Then I have to think about what I should eat instead, so I can get that perfect shit.
Everything to do with food, we’ve been lied to. We’ve been victims of capitalism. They are always new documentaries on what to eat and what not to eat and how we eat is changing the face of the world. One day milk is good for you, the next thing you know, milk is debunked.
And most recently, thanks to Marvel’s never ending superhero movies, men now had been coerced to conform to this new idea of what a man should look like. And you start seeing your actors who had normal bodies, transform into these gladiators/adonis beings. Suddenly fitness is everything and anything.
Firstly you can’t achieve what they achieve in a short span of time. They follow a strict regime where their daily routines create a CALORIC DEFICIT .
Absolutely obsessed with that term. For the longest time, I had zero clue what it was and how to do it. And when I found out finally how to to do it, I realised Math was involved. My brain closed itself off to basic arithmetic at age 17. And I’m not disciplined to add my intakes to an app, let alone, download one. SO, whenever I hear someone talking about weight issues, I throw in Caloric Deficit to sound smart! And boy do they listen!
To reach a certain body goal, you gotta graph out your calorie intake, and your calorie burns. Then you hear the stories of dehydration before the shirtless shots so the skin will stick to the muscle. It’s a 6-9 month routine of planned diets and workouts. But the rest of us don’t have the luxury of living like actors or having their routines. Studios hire personal chefs and trainers for them. WE, have to spend money on gyms and protein shakes and watch what we eat.
Being a vegetarian, I know tough, I did give this a try for a few months. I was on a mediterranean salad diet and had lots of quinoa. The fibre & protein intake was high and the carb intake was low. Lots of Eggs, minus the soft drinks, lots of cardio and where did I end up? On an Island called Misery. Yes, I could see the physical change I wanted. I got leaner and more toned, but at the expense of denying myself everything I loved putting in my mouth. Why do that? Does getting a six pack mean that my dick is gonna gain a couple of inches? COMPUTER SAYS NO! So I told myself that day on, if it’s not gonna help out with the inches, why bother?
Fitness to me, then became more fun understand, when I found a true purpose for it. It was not longer yearning for an aesthetic. I’ll be turning 37. My human body is starting to see the beginnings of wear and tear due to the lifestyle I’ve had. If I want to continue for another 37 years, I (the body) have to have some form of consistency in my life. Whether it be a long walk or an hour at the gym, I need to consciously put in the effort of just getting out of the house and being in the wilderness. We keep forgetting that we’re part of the animal kingdom. Just like the creatures of the wild, we need to roam and climb and swim and sweat. Find something that brings you joy and do it. Fuck the white noise and social media.
P.S.
Why are we never happy with ourselves? Why is it never enough? I hate feeling this way. I’m unhappy. AND THAT’S OKAY. You’re okay. You can’t be a cheerleader everyday day of the week. But you can try. I know I will.
-T
“You needed to be held.”
That’s what he said, this divorced stranger I met by happenstance. Perhaps it was the way I buried myself in his arms and chest that have held and cradled two children who are probably grown now, that garnered that sentiment. I could only imagine that it was a new and freeing experience for him. I was only the second man he got intimate with after his pandemic boyfriend, or that’s the only way I want to remember it. While hearing his heartbeat, my mind wandered about his former wife. Was she really shocked when he came out? How much it must have hurt her to live a lie or half truth all these years with a man she bore children with. Why did he finally emerge from the shadows? Why take the risk at an uncertain future? Or did he finally find a place in space and time where he could be unabashedly be himself? In between those beating heart throbs, he cradled me. It was more than just a sense of security. It finally felt like I was able to let out a heavy sigh of relief. Finding repose for just a moment in his chest was an accumulation of pent up anguish, of years of torment of what could have been. I was open, hurt and vulnerable. I lost myself in this greedy desire of wanting to feel wanted. There was a genuine sincerity in the way he held me. It truly wasn’t out of obligation that I travelled to his place. He really did care enough for this human before him. Maybe it was a familiar sense of being a dad again. But this embrace meant more for me than him. After decades of self loathing and doubt, I was finally able to allow myself to hope and want once again. Every morning the sun starts to shine. The envelope of cool dewy warmth is wrapped in short time frame. This promise happens every day without fail. It’s up to us if we want to stand in its glory. Perhaps most people roll over in their bed and have someone waiting with this promise. But silly me had to travel far and wide and capture it within that fleeting moment.
P.S.
It’s nice to explore a sliver of an intimate memory of the past. There’s more to the story but I want to try striking the match first and capture that spark. I don’t think I would have had the courage to back then. I guess it about living my truth in my own words that is finally giving me power and purpose. Let’s hope to peek behind more curtains in the future.
Sex
During the pandemic, I started to appreciate ASMR and its results with low level euphoria. I mainly liked watching and listening to baking videos. The sounds created from breaking an egg, dropping the egg yolk in another bowl, whisking the egg whites, etc. Then the pièce de résistance, which was the sweet sweet sound of pouring the batter in the pan. That goopy gloppy mushy sound did the trick for me. I found it rather strange at first, listening to certain everyday sounds and being mildly aroused by them. But the views these audio clips and videos got, goes to show that there is actually a large devoted following and suddenly the strangeness of it wears off and somehow its just perceived as something of a kink. I’m at my mid 30s, alone, and still, I’m finding new experiences and new sexual natures I have never come across. This made me wonder, how are all my married monogamous friends are keeping the fire alive.
Warning! I wrote this post about 3 to 4 times trying to figure out what hell direction I was going for. I’m still unclear. There was an entire segment devoted to how monogamy ruins sex or doesn’t allow room for exploration, but I thought it would be too presumptuous to delve into waters I know not of and write based on hearsay. With that being said, I’ll still share my opinions cause it’s my space to think out loud.
I liked to think that if I wasn’t exposed to porn at a very young age, I would have somehow turned out very differently. Perhaps I wouldn’t have bothered with positions or the outcome of prolonging the pleasure. I would have looked at it as a means for procreation and a quick means for an endorphin release. I mean come on, we are animals and we’re part of a natural kingdom that has programmed us to breed and populate. So am I right to say, monogamy and sex has never been on the same page to begin with? In my opinion, one is a social contract and the other is a biological need. When civilization began and paganism died, someone or rather thought it would be a good idea to match a provider with a dependent. They have a bunch of kids and they pair them off with other providers and so on and so forth. And when civilizations grew, many different versions of cohabitation and coupling have fostered monogamy into what it is today: a sense of having a family unit. And bigger than that, a sense of purposeful life.
I have an issue with that phrase : purposeful life. But that’s a whole other post!
I generally have heard that monogamy ruins sex. Now if two people don’t communicate, don’t explore, don’t spice things up, they are not having good sex (this includes you NSA people too). That’s just the math. Well they are not enjoying it for sure! Sexual exploration was something I did, when I was learning about myself. Like most Loners, we try and try again. I got to analyze my likes and dislikes. I got to know my limits and how far I’m willing to go for pleasure. There is room for my spectrum to grow. I can add and subtract my kinks and desires and fetishes.
However, I don’t think it's that easy for someone who is monogamous. I might be wrong, believe me, but I’ve heard a fair share of stories that make me think otherwise. You can be vanilla but your partner may be cookies and cream with rainbow sprinkles and fireworks. If you have never talked it out, you’ll never know. Climbing over someone and pumping and dumping is easy. Some find this hard too. Some men need encouragement, some women need story lines and fantasies. Some are Asexual. Some are addicted. Some are just too damn tired from working the whole day or looking after the kids! Listen I get it, for most monogamous couples, your life gets in the picture and you don’t have the energy to perform or enjoy it. That’s just the way it is. I’m sure you’ve heard of one-gina made popular by Russell Peters. I don’t think it's a negative thing. Especially for someone who is madly in love with their partner.
Being alone, I actually appreciate monogamy and cohabitation. I have the utmost respect for people who are committed to one another. It shows tremendous constant discipline. You’re doing something that is further than your “Breed & Populate” programming. Love fuels you like nothing else can. That passion between you both is something quite magical. There is a familiarity and security in having one partner. It's home. You know what temperature is like in every room. Like Ali Wong summarized it perfectly in her Netflix special :
Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable!
So yes, you build your nest in your monogamous relationship and you stick to it. And for some, this is the beauty that everyone is trying to achieve after the fairytale wedding and courtship ends. Some experts have said that a bond between two people can be much stronger when good sex is involved.
I used to be this person that immediately loses respect when I find out that someone has cheated or has broken their vows. I guess the lack of honesty bothers me. It’s not even about being truthful to your partner but your reluctance in facing who you are and what you have done after giving your word to someone. You may think, it happens! People cheat. That’s the way life is. Yes, maybe, back in the whatever century that equality didn’t exist. But now, I think it's just the first level of deception that you are capable of. You haven’t explored the rest of the levels. It just doesn’t make sense to me when you go through the hassle of a wedding just to end up in someone else’s bed? But let me make this clear, I don’t care who you fuck, at the end of day, your relationship with me is beyond that. I just don’t want you to be a nasty son of bitch that knowingly causes hurt or harm to anyone.
There are many reasons for infidelity. Some of the ones I’ve heard are: I love my spouse but I’m gay. Our marriage is difficult and I need a release. I’m exploring my sexuality. Sex with my husband isn’t thrilling enough. And the list goes on and on.
People who are alone don't have this issue. They are at liberty to do who they want when they want. The choices are endless. And the great perk is that you don’t have to have an emotional connection. It can just be about the act and nothing else. I don’t know if people who have strayed have any guilt. Guilt would eat me up, personally. And people who choose to be alone, don’t suffer from this (Or at least I think so).
But I have to warn you, the sexual chemistry jackpot comes once and awhile for us Loners. During the sex, you’ll be like: Damn there is a flow between us. All the pieces of the puzzle fit and the picture is beautiful. Baby its fireworks! Then the thought creeps up, wouldn’t it be nice if I could have this for the rest of my life? For some this is how their relationship starts. I’ve heard many people meet the love of their lives on hook-up apps. It's the millennial way of finding the one. I have an issue with this word, the ONE. But that’s another essay entirely.
Then there is the reaction you get from sex. There’s something about seeing someone losing themselves and climaxing that fuels you to do better. Well I don’t know about you, but mutual satisfaction is important to me. So yes, seeing someone else enjoying the pleasure makes you wanna do better. So you try other things. Push their buttons. Try what else they might like, what you might like. And for different people it's different things. Feet, armpit, ears, eyelids, taint. Yes I’m naming the unconventional spots. If you haven’t tried them, you should perhaps do more exploring. So this exploration process heightens your sexual awareness.
Believe me when I say, I’ve had some bad sex, so-so sex and really amazing sex. What sets everything apart is sexual chemistry. What do you want from each other, what you want to give to each other.
So bottom line, in this day and age, you have to communicate to have good sex. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, and sex is important to either of you, explore it together. It strengthens your bond because you’re seeing your partner at their most raw state. But if sex isn’t important to you and you like your status quo, that’s okay too! And if you stray out from your committed partner and can still sleep at night, good for you! And for all my single people, explore explore explore.
P.S.
Jeez, this post was a struggle. I was having trouble setting up a point of view. I know I was all over the place. Sex is such an expansive topic. But I felt like I opened some secret rooms that I will explore further in future posts: Drunk sex? Shame in sex? That one time that you still think about?
I recently spoke to a father of two who really changed my perception of how a married couple work at having great sex. It was one of the more mature and adult conversations I’ve had with no judgement. I find it fascinating that I could be still proven wrong with my own notions of what is what. It teaches me that new influences will wash ashore like waves all the time and the sands around your feet will keep changing.
As with everything in life, if you want something hard enough, it becomes enjoyable. Enjoy your sex!
-T
Love
Don’t you want somebody to grow old with?
You mean you don’t want to leave your legacy behind?
Do you want your rotting corpse to be found by neighbors?
This earth was made to share your life with one another, you should find someone quick!
These are some of the responses I get when I tell someone I’ve decided not to (or can’t) marry . Yes, rather unpleasant to hear for someone who chooses to live life a little differently. I’m sure you’ve heard some of these before. But there’s a reason for these responses. They want you to experience that all glorious feeling of Love. I instantly want to go full Black Mamba (kill bill reference) in my mind when I hear these narrow minded ideologies thrown at me. They have somehow come to the conclusion that worst possible thing on this planet is to die alone. Theses are people who feel they know better and have this compulsive need to shove their ideas down your throat. But I wanted to try and understand them.
Firstly let's explore where you got this idea of dying alone. We begin in pop culture. I’m sure you have witnessed scenes in the crime shows where someone walks past a house and they smell something really bad. They call the other neighbors, they call the firefighters or police and they end up finding the body of some old lady or man in their apartment, dead. It does stem from reality, I’m not disagreeing with you. We immediately feel sorry for the person who died. It was just the saddest thing, that they didn’t have anyone in their lives in those final moments to say goodbye. This fucking final goodbye. We have seen it over and over from soap dramas to movies. There is always that allocated 3 to 8 minutes of screen time for someone beloved to exit the plot. And in Indian cinema it’s extremely over exaggerated.
Let me just walk through another scene with you. In this famous 90s Tamil movie that takes place in the village, there’s a scene where a sister comes in the line of fire to protect her brother. She gets impaled and she’s bleeding out. Bucket loads of crimson red thick blood all over her and her brother. In the real world, she’d prolly pass out from that amount of bleeding. But in this scene, she’s on her final breath on her brother’s lap, saying her goodbyes and giving her final monologue about how she had the best brother in the world and being his sister was the one true purpose in her life. If there is a next life, she would want to be his sister once more. Que the violin and 24 piece orchestra and you get yourself a tear jerker.
The main gist here is that you shouldn’t die alone, because you won’t get to say your goodbyes, you won’t get those cherry blossom-esque final moments. It's a fate far worse than being hit by a bus. The point I’m driving at is that you were never instinctively thinking like this. You are programmed to! I don’t use the word brainwash because you need an existing ideology first. This experience is drawn from early childhood to adolescence and it impacts us for the rest of our lives. These experiences turn into concepts and ideologies and are slowly fed to us by media, family, friends, religious institutions and communities. Now that we have covered death, let’s look at love. I know, weird tangent.
The program called Love. If you think this sounds familiar, it is from the Waichovsky Brothers movie The Matrix. They define what Love is in a coded way. The fact that it can mean different things and be installed into you. So, like The Matrix, we’ve been programmed to fall in love from a very young age. Cinderella meets Charming, Snow White and some dude with True Love’s Kiss, Aladdin, that carpet, Jasmine and the whole new world etc. Love against all odds is a major theme that runs through the core of our childhood stories. It is about how love is earned through adversity and fights. It is about how love transcends any social background. It is about how love conquers all. Shakespere’s love is about enjoying love and tragedy together. #bittersweet. That paved the way to your modern day Rom-Coms. Boy meets girl, they hate each other, they fall into extenuating circumstances that bring them closer and by the end they can’t live without each other. AKA You complete me. (Urggg, I really disapprove of that notion.) There are even more examples in music. Every genre of music from every decade has a Love song; a break up song, a why I left him song, a I can’t live without you song. In-between the shows and the music you have commercials. The de beers company and their diamond advertising campaign showcasing the value of an engagement between man and woman and a tiny little rock. There’s just so much content to explore and weed out about where you got your impetus of falling in Love and finding Happily Ever After. Which becomes one of the major pressurizing goals in your life. To find a mate and profess your never ending love to them. For some, it is once and for others it is numerous times. And for some, it never happens.
But we can just start at the beginning. You. You are a product of love. I’m talking about your parents. The relationship that they had, would have subconsciously imprinted on you at a very young age. You want something like what they have. They may have even encouraged you to follow a life path similar to their own. If you have never explored the idea of being alone and only have known how to be with someone as the norm, then the concept of being alone is alien to you, naturally. It’s somewhat similar to your eating habits. As Asians we love rice. We have been conditioned to want rice with most of our meals. Rice is just a staple part of our dietary requirement. Yet in some countries, people don’t even know how to cook rice. Because rice is just not part of their food culture. When we are used to having something constant and vital in our lives, we are naturally drawn to wanting it. So let's replace Rice with Love. You’ve always had it in your life in some shape or form. I had it too. My parents had a working relationship. Selflessness was at the core of their relationship (I never figured out if they knew it or not). Not only was it to each other but to the three children they had and their other immediate family. There was no time for “being in love.” There was no such thing as date night for them. They just did their duties as mom and dad rather than husband and wife, mostly. You can see their affection for each other when they get into petty fights and jab at each other about the other’s family. There was no outright I love yous and professions of adoration. No grand gestures like in the movies. So how did my parents express their love? If either one of them were out late at night, there would be a phone call. The phone call only had two things involved in the conversation, “where are you?” and “what time are you coming back?”. It wasn’t interrogative at all. It was more of a ‘Hey, I’m thinking about you and hoping that you’ll be back soon.’ which is really very sweet. Another example was this matter of making drinks. There is a malt drink in Singapore called Milo. There’s just something about the way my mother makes it or some form of placebo effect it has that no one else could make that same cup of Milo taste that good. I’d like to think the secret ingredient is love, but it's probably just portions I guess. Without fail, my father would ask for it before he goes to sleep and they’ll be both in bed already. She would groan that she was about to fall asleep and not want to do it. But after some pestering and sweet talking she’d get up from bed, and make it for him.
This taught me a few things. Showing your love comes in many forms. It doesn’t have to be going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant or movie date night or jewellery or roses. You show and give love without expecting anything in return. That cup of milo meant she had to get out of bed, boil water, make a cup and bring it over to him. She gets nothing out of doing this, she doesn’t even make a cup for herself. She does it because she cares for him that much and that feeling fuels her to love unconditionally. Again, no I love yous, no roses. Just a cup of milo. Now that is just selfless. These were two people, my parents, who didn’t indulge in anything for themselves from a very young age. They always spared a thought for the siblings they grew up with or the kids they raised. I might have a small fraction of their selfless attitude. But generally, I have a lot of “me” time. Me time is very important. My space is important to me. And I think I’m this way because I value what love is. Or the concept of it. Using my parents as an example, I fully understand what it's like to share a life with someone other than yourself. The compromises you make. That selflessness you have to be willing to evoke on a daily basis and it can’t be done out of obligation but out of pure concern. A friend of mine mentioned when two people are married, they wake up every morning and make the choice to love the person next to them. You choose to love someone and you can easily choose not to as well.
People who are alone, know this choice very well. It’s not that they don’t have love in their lives. Ever heard of Self Love? If your self love is well developed you can get by without needing someone else, in essence you know how to care for yourself. You know what's best for you. You know how you are at every emotional level. You don’t need a yin or a yang. You have found balance. This balance means being self sufficient. You don’t require an external influence to dictate any part of your life. All your decisions are internalized and suit you at most moments. I’m not saying conventional couples don’t have this. They do, but they do it with a partner. In order to feel 100 percent, they need their support system which happens to be a loved one (not necessarily a spouse, it can come in any form, a pet, a friend, a parent, a guardian, a mentor.). However it is not autonomous.
I was exposed to Hinduism at quite a young age by my grandmother. She talked about oneness and going back to the godhead at an age where I was still learning how to talk. I didn’t understand the concepts she mentioned until I was 18 or 19 when I started reading the Upanishads. It was very eye opening, and confusing at the same time. Let me just do a quick summary. Upanishads is one of the 3 holy books revered in Hinduism. And Oneness is a core belief concept of Hinduism. Basically you are one with everything. You belong to everything and you will go back to it all at the end. I know I’m squeezing an entire philosophy in 4 sentences that doesn’t do much justice to the framework of Hinduism, but try and understand it if you can.
So the idea of sharing my life with someone wasn’t important to me. Because that wasn’t a program that was installed in my mind. I saw how my parents were working hard for their family. So the program that was dominant in my life was Hard work, Duty first, everything else was secondary. Despite all these functions running, I still fell in love. At 19, I quite furiously and foolishly loved someone that didn’t love me back. Ouch. Did this lead to heart break? Naturally. Did this leave a toxicity that radiated in the after years, absolutely. This was also the period in my life when I equated falling in love with happiness. When people around you start dating and falling in love and get married, they are projecting happiness. They are in this cloud 9 of ecstasy. When you’re not apart of this gang, you innately feel like something is missing. We can draw back on the “fitting in” portion from the previous post. As the years went by and with a little help from my friends and many rock bottom nights I was weaning away from this feeling of needing love in my life.
At the core of my being, I was beginning to understand that I was never miserable because I couldn’t find love or fall in love. I found that having “me” time was about looking inwards. Exploring my being. Exploring my purpose. Updating my own programs. So for me, Loving myself, understanding the concept of “me”, taking full autonomy of my life was more important than loving someone else or creating a family or leaving a legacy etc. So throughout my adulthood, I was rather regularly single. Automatically, I didn’t put myself out there. I didn’t want to be wanted nor did I think I was deserving at times. Yes I’ll admit that I had a lot of self esteem issues stemmed from my heartbreak. Who doesn't? But apart from all this, I was still a very happy and content person.
Let me remind you that some people don’t get out of this rut. Loving someone can take so much away from you. You essentially are losing bits and pieces of yourself when you’re deleting those memories with that loved one. For me, this need to spend the rest of my life with someone else, slowly began to fade away. These sentiments became stronger as it had to do a lot with finding purpose in life. I wasn’t chasing after a partner but a purpose instead. Oneness like how my grandmother loosely explained. To me it wasn’t about connecting to someone. It was about making meaningful connections and disconnecting with everything else. Personally and in 2021(yup that’s when I wrote this post), if you’d were to ask me what love is to me, love is just an emotion to me, like anger or fear or happiness. It’s great to have it, but you’ll be fine without it too. Thanks to my parents I also see love as a selfless act.
What most people need to understand is that just because someone chooses to be alone, doesn’t mean they don’t have love in their lives. They might have loved and lost and are grieving with the pain. They have love translated in other ways. For example, some have so much love to give to animals, care and nurture for them. They give the status of children to pets. Because this is how they see their love. Unconditional love isn’t only exclusively for humans. Others could have love in the work they do. They are so passionate about their craft they put everything into it; their joy, sorrow, energy. So they don’t have anything else to give to anyone else. Love is also a choice. Just as you get that choice, someone else does too. So choose wisely. Love is just one part of your existence. If you have it in any form, cherish it. It is known to do great wondrous things and propel you forward in your personal missions. Passion is born from love and there is no denying that. As with anything, don’t let love consume you.
P.S.
Balance. That’s what I realized from writing this post. I think I was subconsciously trying to find balance after my heartbreak. I never wanted to feel that ill ever again, so I avoided every romantic opportunity that came my way. This barrier of protection somehow applied to the rest of the aspects of my life. Whether it be workplace tolerance or what you have to put with at home. It was a matter of finding my balance and juggling everything around me. I started taking myself out of every situation and would ask myself, does this make me happy? does my contribution hold any weight? is the time spent, worthwhile? I’ve also come to an age where I’m finally realizing the power of choices and the limitations of my circle of control.
-T
Lonely
Lonely. That’s really kind of grim for the first post isn’t it? I agree too. It took me awhile to change my own perspective and that’s what I intend to do here anyway. If you feel like you’re in a good place in your life and have it all figured it out, stop reading and close this tab. I’m still exploring and so my thoughts might not be for everyone out there. Lonely. The word itself is associated with sadness. The state of being without some form of attachment to any one thing or person. It even sounds depressing when you say it out loud.
Why do I feel lonely? I’ve never really fit in from a very young age. I was the only Indian boy in class. I was the only vegetarian in class. I was the only queer in class (that I know of). These were not experiences exclusively only in my teens, it also continued onto various stages of my life. So in those formative teen years that sort of define the rest of your life, I felt lonely. Most of the time I tried to fit myself into a group, very unsuccessfully, and that sort of became the theme of my life. I was someone trying desperately to fit in, not realizing that I was unique in my own way.
The journey of self discovery happened in my early 20s and that too was filled with self doubt and insecurities. While the rest of the world around me was finding their footing in what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be, what life they wanted for themselves, I was rather always lost. I couldn’t attach myself to a culture or common thought process or any form of conventional way of life (no offense). Riding Solo is exactly what it is. It’s an insight of how I’ve looked at life before me. How I’ve navigated the world around me, Alone.
Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. I found this out to be true after my own little research and reflecting on my past experiences. They can be associated with one another but mostly they are two very separate states. Let me explain further by deep diving in to feeling lonely.
You can feel lonely in a crowded place, even amongst friends and family. This feeling can also be omnipresent wherever you are or whoever you’re with. There is a great sense of abandonment or being left behind that is coupled with this feeling at times. You might be socially awkward or just can’t connect with anyone beyond a platonic level. You can just come to terms with it and say it out loud: you’re not a social person. You’re shy and take some time to warm up. And in some instances it takes more time to be comfortable because the environment is unfamiliar. So instead of being part of the social activity, you’re on the outside looking in. I used to be this person, sometimes I still am. In a big dinner table filled with people, I’ll be the quiet one eating, drinking and listening. And this is not a bad thing really. Because this became the foundation for my training in listening skills. I’m a really good listener now because I kept my mouth shut all those years. You can blather on and on for a good one hour and I would be able to empathize with whatever it is you’re going on about and still provide some advice should you need it. A powerful tool to have in your arsenal, especially when meeting someone new. This introverted personality is not any fault of your own. Why are some people the Suns and Stars of the universe and the rest of us are just the floating pieces of rock in their gravitational orbit? There’s nothing to be ashamed of, or a need to feel insignificant about. It’s to do with your upbringing, your values and principles. We are who we are because of how we were shaped in our past.
With that being said, we humans come in all forms and sizes and various parts of the hemisphere. We are all different and unique in our own way but some of us just stand out and some of us tend to fade away. There is a long list of variables that attribute to who you are but I shall not get into that. Find yourself going against the grain most of the time? Do you have a different ideology? How about the way you do most things? Is different from the norm? Do you dress in a unique way that is purposefully but not intentionally different from the people around you? If you had answered yes to the above, you obviously were born to stand out. Depending on where you are, uniqueness can be regarded as dangerous. It’s 2021 and norms are being challenged on a daily basis. But when I was growing up, and in some parts of the world even now, being different means sticking out like a sore thumb. You can feel this immediate repelling force from your friends, co-workers or even a complete stranger who has given you a look that says otherwise. You are made to feel like you don’t fit the bill or bond well with others because you are different. You sometimes feel like you are being secluded on purpose for the most miniscule things about you. It can be even because of the color of your skin or the texture of your hair. Being unique, creates the illusion that you might be different in a wrong way or that you need to try harder to fit in with your circle. When you start comparing yourself to others and the result isn’t good enough or socially accepted, you harbor feelings of isolation and detachment. So then, you go about evaluating your self-worth. You’re not one of them, so who are you? If you are unable to foster your identity in a positive manner and not get support for it, you’ll end up being lonely and self deprecating.
I personally have felt this. It was the way I walked if you can believe it. I tend to have a little sashay when I walk. I blame this on watching too many Miss World & Universe pageants when I was young I guess. They were all so confident in their bikinis and evening gowns. And they all wanted world peace. What’s there not to like about them? At 14, I was told to walk properly and I was like what? There was a right way to walk? It’s just one foot after the other no? That isn’t hard. But it was my style of walking that was bothering some peers. And at that age, if they don’t understand it, they point it out, they ridicule you, because it was different. I wasn’t bullied but I was teased and that was the first time, I realized my mannerisms were a little different from other guys my age. There were sad days, yes from being teased. But I found my footing slowly as I grew older. My way of speaking and walking and taste in music would be appreciated later in the years by different people who embraced originality and uniqueness. I was able to build confidence with my uniqueness and a thick armor to protect against the naysayers.
But people who don’t recover from such trauma go into depression because they are unable to handle the pressure to fit in. Self-esteem isn’t something you build overnight. You’re a bag of water with holes. You can try and plug up as many holes as you like, but you’re still seeping out somewhere. Your confidence level in a public setting slowly degrades. Some days you can’t find the strength to leave house, let alone your bed. That’s something you will work on your entire life trying to build back up. That whole idea of how can you love yourself, if others don’t like you starts to eat away at you. There is a supposed art in finding your inner Big Dick Energy and balancing it with your inner wallflower. I’m still figuring that out and I’m 34!
Lonely in big spaces and unfamiliar waters. Check
Lonely because you’re different. Check
What’s next you ask? Attachments. Sometimes you’re lonely, it’s usually because you miss someone. That constant attention that you get is no longer there anymore, thus creating a void. This void is mostly associated with longing. You suddenly have this pocket of time and space not filled up by someone adoring you or checking up on you or just physically being present. This can be quite unnerving, especially for someone who yearns for acknowledgement or is just used to it all their life. #instafam. You’re a boat without an anchor, drifting away. This anchor can be any loved one, a pet or even a place. Ever travel to a great place for a holiday that vibes well to your personality and come back home only to feel lonely? You’re not the only one. I feel like I belong at the beach. My soul needs to be one with the ocean. I blame it on my visit to Greece where I fell in love with the Mediterranean waters. But that’s the illusion of a good holiday. Loneliness is also constantly tied to death. That person or pet you poured your love and attention to is no longer there. The deep sense of familiarity is gone and so is the love bestowed by the person. You can also feel lonely when you have just newly uprooted your life. When you move somewhere new, you have to re-start your life again. You have to find new friends, a new favorite restaurant, etc. That new world awaits, but you have to face it by yourself. All these forms of involvements (a piece of knowledge I picked up from Sadguru) have tendencies to create these immensely strong bonds within our lives. Naturally, when an important variable in your life equation is removed, the math doesn’t add up and a clear answer isn’t present anymore. Thus, Chaos. I know, that’s a tad bit dramatic. Whether you’re able to find someone who is able to empathize or not, you’re grieving that loss by yourself. Some people can’t make sense of their futures if one of those variables is gone.
Which brings me to Mr. Lonely’s best friends, the inner Demons. These demons tend to surface at the precipice of disappointments. Biting off more than you can chew? Not being able to handle what life is throwing at you? Always think of yourself as talentless and have nothing to offer? This particular spectrum of self hate is huge. Anywhere from addiction to just mere stress at the workplace can cause you to feel lonely. You see someone else gliding through life on skates with the biggest smile on their face and here you are, still at the base camp of Everest, looking up and thinking “why should I even bother”. These inner saboteurs have one job. Create self doubt and leave the room. They leave the room so you can fill it up. This is where you bottle it all up and shove it down into that room. The inability to deal with shortcomings and habitually pushing it aside suddenly becomes second nature. You put on this act of everything is fine, but the world is in shambles beneath your feet. You not only push aside your feelings but also the people around you. You feel this immense pressure and you don’t want to burden anyone with your troubles and you decide to suffer in silence. This is where loneliness becomes a punishment of sorts. You’re an island and you’re burning all the bridges. Soon enough the ambers catch onto you and you’re engulfed in your own flames. Once you’ve reached this stage of being completely consumed, it’s hard for others to put out the flames and calm you down. They will end up getting burnt in the process.
If you’re reading up until this point, take it as a public service announcement. If you feel any of the above, especially the last point about depression, do yourself a favor and talk to someone who will listen. Finding someone who is willing to listen and has empathetic feedback to give is crucial. I was blessed to have found an entire social circle that does this. If you’re a young person reading this, find an approachable teacher you’re comfortable with. If not, an elder relative who you’re friendly with. Someone at your own age might not give you appropriate advice. They are probably going through the same things you are. If you’re an adult, confide in your friends, relatives or work colleagues. At both instances, I didn’t mention immediate family. If you have a good rapport with your own family, by all means. But I find getting an outsider’s perspective is a little more refreshing. A new angle to approach what you’re going through. And it’s not always about advice, it’s for you to speak it out, word it out, express it so you can bounce off how you’re feeling with someone and process it.
Are you getting a clearer picture of being lonely? I’m drawing from experiences that I’ve had and my friends and family have had. You might not be able to particularly relate to every experience but I think you’d be able to appreciate the general view.
Being alone, is a choice. For example, I like travelling alone. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely. It’s a choice I made, so I don’t don’t have to accommodate someone else during my travels. I do my own things at my leisurely pace. Not having to care about the dietary, travel, and emotional requirements is a burden off my shoulders. It’s all about my likes and dislikes and my decisions. I have full power of attorney over my time. Which is the major gist of being alone and enjoying it.
Let’s talk about this word, Control. If you’re in a relationship to a person or even a pet, you’re making compromises in your life. Period. This is not a bad thing at all. Sometimes it’s even good that you don’t get to make all the decisions all the time. It does get daunting. Full complete uninterrupted unadulterated control. You make micro to macro decisions from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep. There is no consultation, no negotiation, no obligation. You do as you please. Within the limitations of your environment of course.
Choices. Endless choices.
However, there is a stigma with people who like being alone. That they are lonely or choose to be as such. The two are always associated together. People often make the assumption that by being alone, one is not living their fullest life. Basically seems like a handicap of sorts that they can’t get over and are better off being alone or are succumbed to being alone. I’m not saying that this isn’t 100% true. In some cases they are but we have to broaden our perspective of what Alone is. In the next few essays, I’ll continue explaining and exploring how being Alone isn’t necessarily something unfortunate. I’ll try and present the joy that one can feel from being Alone.
P.S.
Being the most advanced & dominant species we get to decide how we live. Some succumb to the environment around them and truly believe this is how they should live their lives without exploring any other means. And some find their own path. I feel I belong to the latter. When you are the minority in every sense and in every group that you have faced all your life, you can’t help but feel lonely. This feeling has brought me on a path of self discovery I never expected. I’m asking you to take a leap of faith and come with me on my journey. Let’s find the YOU without all this static.
-T
Intro
At first this was meant to be a podcast. I toyed with the idea of letting my voice be heard and thought of having a Frasier Crane moment. But procrastination got the better of me and there was way to much content online already and I became fearful of overcrowding the aural world with similar rhetoric. So I decided to change to an audio essay. Then I got reminded of the production value that needs to go into curating a world class essay worth listening to and finding the correct accompanying music so I gave up on that too. So here I am finding myself, in my comfort zone. Writing.
I both enjoy and hate writing. I’m guessing that love hate relationship has finally brought me here, on an idiot proof platform, where I can express my thoughts, feelings and most importantly and selfishly, documenting some version of my existence, in a stylized manner at that.
The luxury of time is something I’m very familiar with and with that, comes the crippling desire to achieve, want and yearn for something out of reach. During 2020, when the world just decided to push a pause button, I had to take hard introspective looks. Most parts of it, I’ll admit, were in a dark dankly hole I had trouble pulling myself out of. And when I managed to climb out from those depths, I would write little things that were similar to Oprah’s AHA! moments. I’d like to think my age and maturity had something to do with as well. And I decided to be sober during that year (yikes!).
There’s nothing like the clarity of sobriety that makes you ask yourself the hardest questions that keep you up in the middle of the night. And so Riding Solo was born. A sort of answer to all those questions and introspections.