Sex

During the pandemic, I started to appreciate ASMR and its results with low level euphoria. I mainly liked watching and listening to baking videos. The sounds created from breaking an egg, dropping the egg yolk in another bowl, whisking the egg whites, etc. Then the pièce de résistance, which was the sweet sweet sound of pouring the batter in the pan. That goopy gloppy mushy sound did the trick for me. I found it rather strange at first, listening to certain everyday sounds and being mildly aroused by them. But the views these audio clips and videos got, goes to show that there is actually a large devoted following and suddenly the strangeness of it wears off and somehow its just perceived as something of a kink. I’m at my mid 30s, alone, and still, I’m finding new experiences and new sexual natures I have never come across. This made me wonder, how are all my married monogamous friends are keeping the fire alive.

Warning! I wrote this post about 3 to 4 times trying to figure out what hell direction I was going for. I’m still unclear. There was an entire segment devoted to how monogamy ruins sex or doesn’t allow room for exploration, but I thought it would be too presumptuous to delve into waters I know not of and write based on hearsay. With that being said, I’ll still share my opinions cause it’s my space to think out loud.

I liked to think that if I wasn’t exposed to porn at a very young age, I would have somehow turned out very differently. Perhaps I wouldn’t have bothered with positions or the outcome of prolonging the pleasure. I would have looked at it as a means for procreation and a quick means for an endorphin release. I mean come on, we are animals and we’re part of a natural kingdom that has programmed us to breed and populate. So am I right to say, monogamy and sex has never been on the same page to begin with? In my opinion, one is a social contract and the other is a biological need. When civilization began and paganism died, someone or rather thought it would be a good idea to match a provider with a dependent. They have a bunch of kids and they pair them off with other providers and so on and so forth. And when civilizations grew, many different versions of cohabitation and coupling have fostered monogamy into what it is today: a sense of having a family unit. And bigger than that, a sense of purposeful life. 

I have an issue with that phrase : purposeful life. But that’s a whole other post!

I generally have heard that monogamy ruins sex. Now if two people don’t communicate, don’t explore, don’t spice things up, they are not having good sex (this includes you NSA people too). That’s just the math. Well they are not enjoying it for sure!  Sexual exploration was something I did, when I was learning about myself. Like most Loners, we try and try again. I got to analyze my likes and dislikes. I got to know my limits and how far I’m willing to go for pleasure. There is room for my spectrum to grow. I can add and subtract my kinks and desires and fetishes.

However, I don’t think it's that easy for someone who is monogamous. I might be wrong, believe me, but I’ve heard a fair share of stories that make me think otherwise. You can be vanilla but your partner may be cookies and cream with rainbow sprinkles and fireworks. If you have never talked it out, you’ll never know. Climbing over someone and pumping and dumping is easy. Some find this hard too. Some men need encouragement, some women need story lines and fantasies. Some are Asexual. Some are addicted. Some are just too damn tired from working the whole day or looking after the kids! Listen I get it, for most monogamous couples, your life gets in the picture and you don’t have the energy to perform or enjoy it. That’s just the way it is. I’m sure you’ve heard of one-gina made popular by Russell Peters. I don’t think it's a negative thing. Especially for someone who is madly in love with their partner.

Being alone, I actually appreciate monogamy and cohabitation. I have the utmost respect for people who are committed to one another. It shows tremendous constant discipline. You’re doing something that is further than your “Breed & Populate” programming.  Love fuels you like nothing else can. That passion between you both is something quite magical. There is a familiarity and security in having one partner. It's home. You know what temperature is like in every room. Like Ali Wong summarized it perfectly in her Netflix special :

Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable! 

So yes, you build your nest in your monogamous relationship and you stick to it. And for some, this is the beauty that everyone is trying to achieve after the fairytale wedding and courtship ends. Some experts have said that a bond between two people can be much stronger when good sex is involved. 

I used to be this person that immediately loses respect when I find out that someone has cheated or has broken their vows. I guess the lack of honesty bothers me. It’s not even about being truthful to your partner but your reluctance in facing who you are and what you have done after giving your word to someone. You may think, it happens! People cheat. That’s the way life is. Yes, maybe, back in the whatever century that equality didn’t exist. But now, I think it's just the first level of deception that you are capable of. You haven’t explored the rest of the levels. It just doesn’t make sense to me when you go through the hassle of a wedding just to end up in someone else’s bed? But let me make this clear, I don’t care who you fuck, at the end of day, your relationship with me is beyond that. I just don’t want you to be a nasty son of bitch that knowingly causes hurt or harm to anyone.

There are many reasons for infidelity. Some of the ones I’ve heard are: I love my spouse but I’m gay. Our marriage is difficult and I need a release. I’m exploring my sexuality. Sex with my husband isn’t thrilling enough. And the list goes on and on. 

People who are alone don't have this issue. They are at liberty to do who they want when they want. The choices are endless. And the great perk is that you don’t have to have an emotional connection. It can just be about the act and nothing else. I don’t know if people who have strayed have any guilt. Guilt would eat me up, personally. And people who choose to be alone, don’t suffer from this (Or at least I think so). 

But I have to warn you, the sexual chemistry jackpot comes once and awhile for us Loners. During the sex, you’ll be like: Damn there is a flow between us. All the pieces of the puzzle fit and the picture is beautiful. Baby its fireworks! Then the thought creeps up, wouldn’t it be nice if  I could have this for the rest of my life? For some this is how their relationship starts. I’ve heard many people meet the love of their lives on hook-up apps. It's the millennial way of finding the one. I have an issue with this word, the ONE. But that’s another essay entirely. 

Then there is the reaction you get from sex. There’s something about seeing someone losing themselves and climaxing that fuels you to do better. Well I don’t know about you, but mutual satisfaction is important to me. So yes, seeing someone else enjoying the pleasure makes you wanna do better. So you try other things. Push their buttons. Try what else they might like, what you might like. And for different people it's different things. Feet, armpit, ears, eyelids, taint. Yes I’m naming the unconventional spots. If you haven’t tried them, you should perhaps do more exploring. So this exploration process heightens your sexual awareness. 

Believe me when I say, I’ve had some bad sex, so-so sex and really amazing sex. What sets everything apart is sexual chemistry. What do you want from each other, what you want to give to each other. 

So bottom line, in this day and age, you have to communicate to have good sex. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, and sex is important to either of you, explore it together. It strengthens your bond because you’re seeing your partner at their most raw state. But if sex isn’t important to you and you like your status quo, that’s okay too! And if you stray out from your committed partner and can still sleep at night, good for you! And for all my single people, explore explore explore. 

P.S.

Jeez, this post was a struggle. I was having trouble setting up a point of view. I know I was all over the place. Sex is such an expansive topic. But I felt like I opened some secret rooms that I will explore further in future posts: Drunk sex? Shame in sex? That one time that you still think about?

I recently spoke to a father of two who really changed my perception of how a married couple work at having great sex. It was one of the more mature and adult conversations I’ve had with no judgement. I find it fascinating that I could be still proven wrong with my own notions of what is what. It teaches me that new influences will wash ashore like waves all the time and the sands around your feet will keep changing.

As with everything in life, if you want something hard enough, it becomes enjoyable. Enjoy your sex!

-T