“You needed to be held.”
That’s what he said, this divorced stranger I met by happenstance. Perhaps it was the way I buried myself in his arms and chest that have held and cradled two children who are probably grown now, that garnered that sentiment. I could only imagine that it was a new and freeing experience for him. I was only the second man he got intimate with after his pandemic boyfriend, or that’s the only way I want to remember it. While hearing his heartbeat, my mind wandered about his former wife. Was she really shocked when he came out? How much it must have hurt her to live a lie or half truth all these years with a man she bore children with. Why did he finally emerge from the shadows? Why take the risk at an uncertain future? Or did he finally find a place in space and time where he could be unabashedly be himself? In between those beating heart throbs, he cradled me. It was more than just a sense of security. It finally felt like I was able to let out a heavy sigh of relief. Finding repose for just a moment in his chest was an accumulation of pent up anguish, of years of torment of what could have been. I was open, hurt and vulnerable. I lost myself in this greedy desire of wanting to feel wanted. There was a genuine sincerity in the way he held me. It truly wasn’t out of obligation that I travelled to his place. He really did care enough for this human before him. Maybe it was a familiar sense of being a dad again. But this embrace meant more for me than him. After decades of self loathing and doubt, I was finally able to allow myself to hope and want once again. Every morning the sun starts to shine. The envelope of cool dewy warmth is wrapped in short time frame. This promise happens every day without fail. It’s up to us if we want to stand in its glory. Perhaps most people roll over in their bed and have someone waiting with this promise. But silly me had to travel far and wide and capture it within that fleeting moment.
P.S.
It’s nice to explore a sliver of an intimate memory of the past. There’s more to the story but I want to try striking the match first and capture that spark. I don’t think I would have had the courage to back then. I guess it about living my truth in my own words that is finally giving me power and purpose. Let’s hope to peek behind more curtains in the future.
