Caloric Deficit
When I started writing this two years ago, I was 2 kilos shy of reaching my ideal weight for my height. Now, I’m 2 kilos overweight. I used to be this person who didn’t like what he saw in the mirror from head to toe; my hair was too curly; the oil on my face made me look like the orang minyak; big facial pores; you had weak shoulders bro; arms were skinny; belly was protruding; love handles were too thick; where did this back hair come from?; skinny calves; dry skin etc. There were hardly any compliments, just complaints. How did I turn this dissatisfaction into self love and care? I had to go through self-deprecation hell and back.
As an Indian man, in his 30s, I carry it all in my belly. Whatever I ate, it all just went there. I really wish the fat was distributed evenly. Gosh, I really do. I have this love hate relationship with my gut. I call it the 3 Ps. I named one love handle Prata, the other Pasta and the Midsection Pizza. The first thing that struck me being odd was having lower back pains. It was as though my core couldn’t handle the extra kilos that came from nowhere. Not nowhere, the 3 Ps had something to do with it I guess. I got hungry a lot and carbs were there for me every step of the way. Lots of white bread and white rice. I ate when I was happy and I ate when I was sad. I drank sweet fizzy drinks to cool off and lots of it. I ate 11 am in the morning, I ate 3 am at night. I was never really eating healthy healthy...
My body changed to 67 kilos with a 34 inch waistline in a span of 4 years, but my mind didn’t. My mind was still stuck in 52 kilo young slim Indian twink with a 28 inch waistline. Reality hadn’t sunk in, or I didn’t allow it to. So when it finally did, I was trying hard to understand why I didn’t like what I was looking at the mirror. Then it hit me. One reason was that I didn’t interact with guys like me; with the same body image. The guys I knew, were trim and fit to a certain extent. They all had broad shoulders which gave them that pleasant V shape. I was never the guy who was very much into sports. All the guys I knew in my life had some form of fitness element attached to them. And in sports and fitness, there was always the element of, trim here and bulk up there. I have never seen a pot bellied man run the olympics 100m. Nor have I seen him in tennis or any other sport that I can remember. Maybe Curling. Oh I love everything about curling. How on earth did they make that into an olympic sport?! It’s insane!
I guess my vision of the world was seeing men my age, who were always fit and there was never a moment of you’re just fine the way you are. If I grew up in India perhaps, where the normal version of a man is dad bod man, I might not have grown up with insecurities.
Next we do this thing, when we see each other and I’m guilty of it too. “Oh my god, you lost so much weight.” or “Oh I see someone has been indulging themselves” Why do we do that to each other? Why is gaining a little extra weight so frowned upon? Why is weight even a topic of conversation? By the way, many have said, I looked good with the extra weight, I used to be quite boney and now I’m fleshy. Thanks for the confidence boost guys.
Again, it was about changing the inner voice conversation. It took me a while to calibrate how I saw myself and how I saw others. Passing comments will just have to be that. And I consciously try not to talk about weight. I’ll just say “You look good!”
Are you health conscious? Naturally gaining this rapid extra weight made me more concerned about my health. I became obsessed with what you put in your mouth and how much your body can handle what you throw at it and what comes out in the toilet bowl. The highlight of my day was about getting medium brown banana shaped shits. That became the achievement of the day. Clear urine meant that my body had sufficient fluids. Anything less, I would think back about the 2 meals before. I had to examine, why did what I eat not give me a perfect shit. Then I have to think about what I should eat instead, so I can get that perfect shit.
Everything to do with food, we’ve been lied to. We’ve been victims of capitalism. They are always new documentaries on what to eat and what not to eat and how we eat is changing the face of the world. One day milk is good for you, the next thing you know, milk is debunked.
And most recently, thanks to Marvel’s never ending superhero movies, men now had been coerced to conform to this new idea of what a man should look like. And you start seeing your actors who had normal bodies, transform into these gladiators/adonis beings. Suddenly fitness is everything and anything.
Firstly you can’t achieve what they achieve in a short span of time. They follow a strict regime where their daily routines create a CALORIC DEFICIT .
Absolutely obsessed with that term. For the longest time, I had zero clue what it was and how to do it. And when I found out finally how to to do it, I realised Math was involved. My brain closed itself off to basic arithmetic at age 17. And I’m not disciplined to add my intakes to an app, let alone, download one. SO, whenever I hear someone talking about weight issues, I throw in Caloric Deficit to sound smart! And boy do they listen!
To reach a certain body goal, you gotta graph out your calorie intake, and your calorie burns. Then you hear the stories of dehydration before the shirtless shots so the skin will stick to the muscle. It’s a 6-9 month routine of planned diets and workouts. But the rest of us don’t have the luxury of living like actors or having their routines. Studios hire personal chefs and trainers for them. WE, have to spend money on gyms and protein shakes and watch what we eat.
Being a vegetarian, I know tough, I did give this a try for a few months. I was on a mediterranean salad diet and had lots of quinoa. The fibre & protein intake was high and the carb intake was low. Lots of Eggs, minus the soft drinks, lots of cardio and where did I end up? On an Island called Misery. Yes, I could see the physical change I wanted. I got leaner and more toned, but at the expense of denying myself everything I loved putting in my mouth. Why do that? Does getting a six pack mean that my dick is gonna gain a couple of inches? COMPUTER SAYS NO! So I told myself that day on, if it’s not gonna help out with the inches, why bother?
Fitness to me, then became more fun understand, when I found a true purpose for it. It was not longer yearning for an aesthetic. I’ll be turning 37. My human body is starting to see the beginnings of wear and tear due to the lifestyle I’ve had. If I want to continue for another 37 years, I (the body) have to have some form of consistency in my life. Whether it be a long walk or an hour at the gym, I need to consciously put in the effort of just getting out of the house and being in the wilderness. We keep forgetting that we’re part of the animal kingdom. Just like the creatures of the wild, we need to roam and climb and swim and sweat. Find something that brings you joy and do it. Fuck the white noise and social media.
P.S.
Why are we never happy with ourselves? Why is it never enough? I hate feeling this way. I’m unhappy. AND THAT’S OKAY. You’re okay. You can’t be a cheerleader everyday day of the week. But you can try. I know I will.
-T
